If you’re in need of a home loan or small business loan and your bank received a bail out from the Federal Reserve, you can now follow a new set of rules when applying for your next loan.
NOTE: These suggestions are presented for entertainment purposes only.
1. Complete your loan application and then fold it nicely. Now put staples down the whole right side, and the left, and the top and just so you don’t make a mistake, across the bottom.
2. Your application will include supporting documents such as your tax returns, verification of income, credit report and other supporting documents. Make sure no document is in the right order and if it has numbered pages, redact them so confidentiality is maintained. Now mix every page by turning some upside down, reverse some and of course, make sure you leave just one page out of each document. Preferably a page that requires your signature as you can claim you didn’t want that signed page to fall into the wrong hands.
3. Make sure you include all your paperwork in a large envelope. Before inserting all your pages, open the envelope as wide as you can and run as much glue as possible along the bottom of the envelope. Now insert your pages and make sure as many get to the bottom as possible. Wait overnight before sending or delivering your envelope; un-dried glue can be a real pain and you would not want to be a nuisance would you?
4. Your loan application will require payment of an application fee. Pay a part of the fee by credit card, part of the fee by check and include about $2 in cash. This creates work for the loan processor as they have to write up a receipt for each form of payment.
5. This is an important follow on for point 4 above. Make sure the $2 consists of a $1.00 note and the rest in coins. Don’t use too many coins, especially if you have to FedEx or UPS your documents as it may increase your freight costs. And make sure the coins don’t get to the bottom of the envelope where they could find the glue. You want the coins to move around in the hope they break the envelope and get lost. This requires the loan officer who gets your application to go to his manager and report a problem because the loan application is say 24c short. The loan officer will then be required to fill out a form reporting the shortage and management will need to sign off on it to confirm the shortage really exists and that the loan officer didn’t put 24c in their pocket.
6. Make sure you write at least three letters of appreciation. One for the person that opens the envelope, one for the loan officer and one for the manager. Make sure you glue each letter back to back but you want it so that the person who opens the envelope sees their letter first. That’s because the person that opens the envelope will want to keep their letter to show their loan officer that they are appreciated and deserve a promotion. When the loan officer reads the letter and turns it over and sees the letter of appreciation about them, they will want to take it the manager but will not be sure what next to do as they know the manager will want to keep the letter as it says great things about them. This is called humanizing the loan process as you were torn deciding whether or not to make your loan application with this bank in the first place and now the person that opens the letter, the loan officer and manager get to experience what you experienced.
7. Make sure you write the letter on paper that will break down in about a week. It’s hard to find but if you can get it, it’s worth the effort. You could consider writing your letter in invisible ink but nobody will believe your writing a letter of appreciation to a bank in the first place so that would be a waste of invisible ink. Instead, keep the invisible ink to write a thank you letter to your member of congress for bailing out the bank. They are probably used to using invisible ink as they use it all the time so no one can track what agreements they make with the lobbyists that requested the bailout in the first place.
8. When you mail your documents, put them in the largest envelope possible. A big envelope has to be handled differently than a regular envelope. It also makes the person opening the envelope think there is something real special inside, that is big envelopes are only used for special documents. Additionally, big envelopes tend to be treated with a higher priority; which is important to you and the expedited processing of your loan.
9. Invite your family and friends around for a loan application party. Almost every document needs to be signed in multiple places. Therefore have as many of your family and friends sign their name only on one page and then pass it to the next person.
10. Depending on your temperament at the time, you could draw straws to see who will sign the one box on the application form that, if the loan application gets processed and approved, means it will go to this person. If drawing straws seems too tame, you could play Russian roulette but you need to be careful with that, as some of your family or friends may cheat and rig the game; after all, who wants to apply for a loan at a bailed out bank; it may get approved.
Applying for a loan from your bank has never been fun. However, this new process will give you the chance to truly embrace the loan application process with great gusto and complete abandon to the outcome; just like the bank treated you and your application when you applied to them before they needed a bail out.